Tomorrow Is Another Day

We have been going to a church here in Dallas, Park Cities Presbyterian Church, that has a Wednesday night Vespers service. There is a short message followed by communion. Last Wednesday the pastor began by talking about taking things for granted. We take it for granted that each day we are going to wake up and the atmosphere is going to be perfectly suited for us to breathe. We take it for granted that gravity is going to hold the planets perfectly in orbit. I do take these things for granted, but for the past few weeks I have woken up and my first thought has been, "Thank you, God, for one more day that hasn't been promised to us. Thank you for one more day with Brandon and my children." And every day these past 12 days I have been grateful for one more day with Anne Marie. Tonight my friend Ginger reminded me how we are all dependent on God for our very next breath, but that we see that more clearly in Anne Marie.

This afternoon two of Anne Marie's main doctors gave us an update and a plan for surgery. Anne Marie has been on ECMO for 12 days and in those 12 days has made some tiny improvements in increased lung volume. However, her lung X-ray today was not as good as the three previous days. Basically, she is not getting any better on ECMO. They have tried to wean her from it a little each day, but haven't had much success and mostly have had to keep her at 100 percent assistance. Her doctor said that Anne Marie isn't the most severe case they have seen, but she is one of the most complicated. Today both doctors said that her team has spent hours discussing her case and what to do.

They all believe that surgery on ECMO is really her only chance. Surgery on ECMO is very risky because her blood is thinner and doesn't clot as well. They had also hoped to wean her a little from the ECMO machine so that during surgery if she needed more assistance they could turn up the flow. As it stands now, she is at a very high level so there isn't much room to increase assistance if she should need it. The surgery is also very hard on her tiny heart, a heart that is already under extreme stress from being so squished. The doctors were all very compassionate and informative, but also very forthright about her chances. "She won't make it if she just stays on ECMO, and she probably won't make it through surgery."

We have known and believed all along that God will be the one to heal Anne Marie if He chooses. And we haven't given up hope. I stand by her bed and kiss her little hands and feet and stroke her head. She is so beautiful and looks so perfect. I ask God to help me love and trust Him more, and I ask Him to heal her. I just can't bear to have to say goodbye.

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