October 20, 2009

What We Know Today

It is hard to keep up with all the numbers and understand exactly what is going on in Anne Marie's tiny body. The doctors explain things and I understand them at the time, and then not long afterwards they can tend to become a jumble of information. Our neonatologist told us today that Anne Marie's fluid level looks great. They have decreased her medicine because she is doing so well with her fluid. Her hypertension, however, doesn't look so great. The doctors are measuring her oxygen saturation level in two places, upper extremities and lower extremities. Her upper extremity numbers are perfect -- because she is on full ECMO support so they can set the machine to get exactly what they want. Her lower extremity numbers dropped early this morning, which tells the doctors that the blood isn't flowing as well in her lower extremities and that her hypertension isn't improving much.

That is the bare-bones update; it is hard to understand everything to begin with and even harder to repeat it back. Whenever we get too deep in the details Brandon reminds me of what John Piper says in his piece "Don't Waste Your Cancer." Piper says, "You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God." So on one hand we want to understand what the doctors are telling us, especially because we know there will be many decisions that need to be made. On the other hand, we want to know more about God than we do about CDH. This is what I know about both: Right now Anne Marie is very sick. When I whittle everything down, I know that 15 percent right-lung volume and no left lung volume is not a good thing. I know that when a baby has a heart that is so squished over to the side that it may not be functioning properly, or may not be structurally sound, that too is not a good thing. I know that the doctors who are treating her are brilliant and attentive and are doing all they can to save Anne Marie's life. And I know that there is only so much they can do. I know it would be easy for God to save Anne Marie. To heal her lungs and her heart. To cause her lungs to expand and to heal her hypertension. There has never been any doubt about what God can do. The question is: will He? I continue to ask Him to heal her, to show Himself strong on her behalf. And I continue to ask Him to help me put all my trust in Him and not in doctors or machines, and to trust His sovereign purposes.